There comes a rudimental point in everyone’s life where they pick up astray paths to reconnect dots and make a meaning- out of their life, out of themselves.
I, for one, have been fortunate enough to find those lost pearls.
I, for one, also happen to be one of the lost pearls- found once, lost again.
It’s exciting to find yourself, work on your heart beats and ways of life, yet sometimes we get a little too comfortable.
I was convinced of my finding and sat back lounging, forgetting something very important.
”Finding yourself is a way of life, not a destination.”
The thing is, while it’s not easy to pick yourself from puddles of crooked crannies, it’s pretty easy to keep tripping into the broken pieces time and again.
I quite didn’t realize how poorly I was falling back into the hay. While I claimed to be a comfortable, happy person, it was not quite until one day when I found myself immersed in a pool of tears and disappointments.
You know how you cheer yourself one morning but allow exterior circumstances to rob you of everything by evening. And then it keeps happening- every other day.
The thing is, it doesn’t hit you like a lightning thunder- but seeps in like water on the porous.
But the realization sure comes like that one wake-up call. It was it when I realized how insecure had I become.
And while I am aware of my emotional instability on few days, this time, it felt different. I had quite forgotten to handle it. I was not smiling from my heart as much as I did before. I, who has a heart of a fluttering butterfly, was reluctant on trying out new things. The only reason, and the time, I was going out was because I was 23 and I SHOULD be social.
I won’t deny, I kind of was enjoying my state of despair- basking in all its glory.
And while I can see diamonds in a rock, I am the best critic too. I became extremely self-critical. I also unintentionally started seeking a change in others, which subconsciously I am aware happens only when you’re not self-sustaining,
Somewhere, I started looking for love outside forgetting how it all came when it was inside.
Now maybe, this was because of a monotonous routine life which was zapping me out.
Maybe, it was my intensive involvement with writing which was somewhere overwhelming and draining me emotionally.
Or just maybe, it was my obsession with Lana Del Rey?
It could also be a damn channel to bring out latent emotions and insecurities out which didn’t had their chance for the first time. (And maybe, my heart will keep breaking till my heart is a goblet of light!)
I don’t know.
What I do know is, simply it was me committing little blunders to realize this one thing.
” The only work which should never stop is the one you do on yourself.”
Working on yourself is almost like meditation.
You seek it when you’re desperate and chaotic. However, when we do find ourselves at the right place, feeling absolute the right things, we kind of get a little too comfortable and ditch it.
But working on yourself is constant. So is enlightenment and salvation. You cannot retire from it.
Gratitude, happiness, self-love, meditation are practices and daily rituals.
How can we be too stubborn to sit on our butt and not change with changing times?
“If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you don’t bring forth what is within you, what you don’t bring forth will destroy you.”- Gospel Of Thomas
I need to work, change and pick up from the last time I left.
And, I am glad I am picking up fine. I am feeling my heart smiling- after quite a few months. While I know, sadness and happiness is a phase, I also know it’s quite to do a lot with my state of mind.
I am feeling the effervescing excitement in my capillaries when I am thinking of ideas and plans. And as much as I am passionately looking forward to a new day, I am also soaking the vivacity of the present moment.
I found Barrfii again in my work 🙂
I am smelling roses on my way and building glass castles in the air.
And of course, working on myself- every damn day.
PS: If this is how you are found out, again and again, I am more than willing to be lost yet again (Experiences!).